I got a closet filled up to the brim

"I Am So Green"

2009-04-01T17:26:06Z

dear

2008-10-10T00:03:47Z

Dear Father Time,

The camera I currently own sucks. It would be so kind of you to give me a new one for Halloween. Thank you in advance.

With love always,
Tyler

world

2008-10-08T23:10:22Z

make a mattress out of the grass
my eyes entranced by the blue sky
ears open and listening
to life ~~and death~~
I want to be that boy
the boy who is in love with the world,
stellar and devastating
everything and anything in between
IN LOVE with the world

love

2008-08-05T13:01:52Z

it's the pressure of your entire body on my chest
it's the way you know when I'm sad and make me better
it's the soft warm feeling of your fur against my bare skin
it's the unconditional love i receive from the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen

...maybe you only love me because I feed you, but I tend to think not...

makeyourself_52 @ 2008-04-28T15:43:00

2008-04-28T19:42:20Z

Do I miss it
or the idea of it?

makeyourself_52 @ 2008-04-23T21:16:00

2008-04-24T01:18:53Z

I suggest we
learn to LOVE OURSELVES
before it's made illegal

-incubus

...

2008-04-16T02:58:52Z

Without CHAOS we would all be bored.

makeyourself_52 @ 2008-02-28T16:31:00

2008-02-28T21:30:09Z

I never said that everything would be ok...

everything swimming around in my head
circling through forwards
backwards
up
down
left
right
upside down and inside out

take the thoughts
turn them around and spit them back out
what did you learn?
what do you want?
what makes the world turn?
how can it go faster or slow down?

standing in the middle of nowhere
where to go?
what to do?

take it for everything it is
it was
it will be
it will never be

latest

2007-09-28T15:56:04Z

I haven't posted in quite a long time. So here you are. I've decided I really like feet hair. Not in the fetish type of way. I personally don't have much hair on my feet, but I really like what I do have. They way it travels down from my leg into my foot and then the slight bit of soft hair on my toes. I think it's pretty sweet. I also like to sort of play with my happy trail. I end up sort of petting it throughout the day sometimes. Weird, I know. But I really like hair if it's in the right places. So here's some pictures of my happy trail.

6/6/07

9/25/07

1 week pictures

2007-05-23T15:32:24Z

very happy so far
I'm going to get the drains taken out tomorrow
sweet, a shower

a nice view of the drain entering my skin

front view with nipple sticky converage

and the very fashionable vest with major pillow-like padding inside

top surgery for tyler

2007-05-14T13:09:31Z

I'm leaving for surgery today!! BBQ in Phili tonight with some kick-ass awesome guys. Then tomorrow we're off to Maryland and Dr. Fischer. Wednesday is surgery!! So excited!!

yesterday

2007-05-08T14:33:39Z

It started nicely. I feel I did pretty well on my statistics final. Then it went downhill from there. I had made an appointment with Mazzoni for my pre-op physical. So I drove the 2 hours to get there. Whoever made my appointment fucked up and set my up with Susan, although she is really nice and I like to talk to her, that was not the current mission. I would have stayed and talked to her anyway, but I have a paper due today that I hadn't started yet (it is done now though). So, $5 in parking and about a tank full of gas later...I crashed. Yes, my car. I had just filled my tank, was driving on 202 and some dirt spit up onto my windshield which was really nothing, but apparently was bothering my, so I was trying to clean it off. I was doing a horrible job and when I looked up it was too late, I smashed into the car in front of because I did not realize traffic was stopping for a red light. Holy shit! It fucking scared the crap out of me (not literally). I shake all the time when I'm not upset or nervous, it was almost like I was going into convulsions yesterday. So it sucked. My car is totaled and I didn't even have a point to go to Mazzoni except to get into the accident. Fuck! No car. And I have surgery next week which there is no way in hell I'm post-poning due to the fact that it is extremely important and I don't know when I'll be able to get a different appointment. And why is there no fucking train to get to Philadelphia through njtransit? So life was going not bad, and now it sucks again...
I hope you (preston) and elliott can go with me to Fischer. I am still extremely excited even with my recent unfortunate events. :/

picture and pants

2007-03-14T17:04:30Z

I went to Kohl's yesterday in search of pants. I'm in a weird size. I'm an 18 in boys, and they don't have a lot of them (or they're husky, which I am not for sure). Then I try to search for the smallest waist possible in the young men's section due to the skinnyness. I did buy my first pair of big boy pants yesterday from the young men's section. I also found an 18 in the boys for only $9. Hard to beat that price. So I got 2 new jeans because I didn't have very many pants. Now I should be set for awhile.

oh, and here's a picture of my lip ring :]

ignore the stupid face and the damn red dots and blurry part of the picture, I took it with my cell phone

And Evin- In case you missed my other Happy Birthday messages, I figured I'd give you one more

Happy Birthday yesterday!

draw

2007-02-27T01:02:47Z

I did a drawing. It's the same fish as my tattoo. It says "love is a verb here in my room" -incubus. Anyone like it?

snowboarding

2007-02-23T21:13:37Z

I did some snowboarding on Monday. It was pretty fucking sweet since I hadn't been in 2 years. Some nice wipe outs and I've been a bit sore this week, but well worth it. I hope I get to go again this season. I need to work on my toe turning. I'm good with the heels, but I have to ride switch every time I need to turn the other direction. I'm good with switching between goofy and regular. I actually prefer to ride goofy, but I get a regular board because I can't do the one foot out to get to the lift goofy-footed. So toe turning is on the list of shit to learn.
And I really want to go hiking when the weather gets warmer or camping and shit. So if anyone is up for it, I'd be happy to meet up for a camping trip when school gets out. Climbing rocks and trees, can't get too much better than that.

hallmark holiday

2007-02-14T21:30:58Z

Valentine's Day, another day for Hallmark to make all their money from cards and shit. If you love someone, show them every day, not just one day out of the year. Bring them chocolate randomly, no need for a reason. In a way, it's nice to have a day, an a lot of people are probably getting sex today. Seriously, just another pointless holiday.

Just as a side note, I got my lip pierced, it's pretty sweet. I'll have pictures up soon.

presents

2006-12-28T15:17:39Z

Christmas. It wasn't bad. I worked til about 6 on Christmas Eve at Pet Supply. Then I worked at the kennel Christmas Day from 8-11. Not too bad, it's been worse.
My dad went all out this year with the gifts. I was at his house for Christmas Eve. I don't really like going there and I don't have the best relationship with him. I gave us (meaning Tyler, Alyse, and Ian, us kids) pretty expensive shit this year. Alyse got skis, Ian got an ipod dvd player thing (though his ipod was stolen), and I got a new sound system for my car. Yeah, it's awesome, but I feel like he's trying to buy us in a way. I can't be bought. Material things are just that, material, unimportant in the long run.
Mom and Dave did excellent. I got a bunch of Quiksilver shirts (my favorite), Grey's Anatomy on dvd, the usual calender, "Return to Hawk's Hill", and some cash and gas cards. My sister got me a $20 gift card to the apple store because I'm planning on getting the red nano. My brother got me an Incubus shirt (technically just a picture of it because it didn't come in yet). Other CD's and cash and a book from other relatives.
I got them some pretty sweet stuff too. My brother and I went in on my dad's fountain relaxing light up thing from Spencer. My sister and I got mom and Dave a gift certificate to get dinner at a nice restaraunt. I got my mom a chocolate bar and Dave some donuts. I gave my brother a new Volcom hat and my sister the new My Chemical Romance cd and a lava lamp.
My cat, Miko, enjoyed the catnip I gave here very much.
Overall, Christmas was pretty nice. Unfortunatly my sister was the only one nice and accepting enough to write "Tyler" on the gift. It will take time I guess, I'll keep working on them...

class sucks

2006-12-08T21:49:31Z

I took a weight management class online this semester. Anorexic boy + weight management course = bad idea. I fucked myself. I did not take the final and did a half-ass job on most of the shit. I have a bad grade and hope I can drop the course. It's not that I couldn't get and A. I could have easily. I basically lived weight management for a couple months in the hospital. My head was not in this class at all. One year ago I was in the hospital for anorexia. I don't want to fucking count calories and measure out food. Fuck that shit. So hopefully this guy will here me out and understand to an extent and hopefully let me drop. It's a fucking 1 credit health and wellness course and I could lose my scholarship over it.

tattoo and what it means

2006-11-28T02:24:41Z

This is my first tattoo and the meaning behind it. I think it's pretty sweet. And it makes me look like a bad ass, even though I'm definitely not.

It is a koi fish with and eye in the middle and it says "make yourself". Brandon and Jose from incubus both have the fish. Make yourself is a cd and song.
Why I got it-
The koi symbolizes fish swimming through water without fear. So too must people go through there life without fearing the unknown and others.
The eye is for wisdom. I hope to be a wise old man one day.
"Make yourself"- Gandhi said something about make yourself into what you want to be. Don't just except who you are. If you don't like something, fix it. Make yourself the person you want/need to be. Do what you would want to do and think is right. I am making myself into the man I want to be to some extent without changing who I am.

So that's my tattoo and what it means to me.

working on it

2006-11-21T04:02:19Z

So I am more skin and bones than I am muscle, so I figure I'll try working on it. So here's two pictures of my no muscles.

trick or treat

2006-10-26T22:41:27Z

I would think since you say "trick or treat" when going out in your costume on Halloween, you don't need to give kids candy. If you want to fuck with them a bit, give them a trick. It is "TRICK or treat" after all. Chances are you'll make the little kids cry. I'm not talking about screwing with the little kids. It's the bigger kids. The ones that act too cool for going out, but they run to every house as quickly as possible trying to collect the most possible candy to rot their teeth out and add to the obesity problem of the United States. It might be fun to fuck with them.
They come to your door, say "trick or treat", you hit them with silly string. Or, since they're expecting candy, give them some lima beans or some healthy shit. I don't know, maybe not all that funny, just random ponderings from Tyler's mind.
I think Halloween is pretty cool. When else can you dress up as anything you could possibly think of and be considered normal for it? I don't really participate anymore. Kids are too lazy to walk up my long ass drive way (which really isn't all that long) to get a piece of candy. My house is between two developments where you can pass toilet paper from house to house if you need to. They all hit up those neighborhoods where they can get to 50 houses in an hour.

week 1

2006-10-13T18:13:16Z

I've been on testosterone for 1 week so far. I haven't told my mom yet, I'm afraid. I've noticed my mood has been really weird the last couple days. I don't know if it's the T or the fact that I haven't been taking the anti-depressants as much. I'm running low so I'm trying to spread the last few pills out. Yesterday and Wednesday I was very excited, to the point of discomfort, depressed, anxious, and nervous all at the same time. Today, I'm feeling really down. I don't get it. I'm hoping today will get better. I'm going to play with my girlfriend, so that always makes my day better.
I haven't really noticed any changes from the T yet, it's only been a week though, can't expect much of anything. I'm just really happy to have started and to know that changes will start.
Sunday I'm volunteering at Shelter Showcase. It's to help get animals adopted. It should be nice. I get to spend the whole day with my gf and her sister. I like dogs and cats so, it should be an awesome day. Hopefully my depression will lift at least slightly by then. If not, I'm good at pretending.
And one thing about the T, I feel like my voice is slightly deeper... Would this be the T already? Or am I possibly getting sick? Or is it just that I'm depressed and talking in a more down, depressed voice? Not sure, either way, I like that it seems slightly deeper.

testosterone today!!!!

2006-10-06T22:13:16Z

I started testosterone today! Fuck yes. No explaining how excited I am. Haven't told mom yet, working on it. Therapist made me feel like shit about it. I've spent the majority of my life putting other people before me. One of the very few times I put myself first in order to make my life better, I get shit for it. Wtf?
Still, words can't explain how happy I am to have started finally.

T for me!

2006-09-24T16:51:49Z

That's right. I will be starting testosterone in the near future! I went to Mazzoni on Friday and got my prescription. I am extremely excited. I definitely can't wait. Worried how my mom will take it though. She's against me starting. I've decided not to tell her til after I start, it feels safer. Opinions on this? My girlfriend, I think, thinks I should tell her first. I don't want to give her the opportunity to stop me though. So I'm a little scared and nervous. But I am definitely ready for T. Very excited and happy and scared and nervous and whole bunch of other things at the same time.

about life

2006-09-19T03:01:18Z

I've been in college for a while now. It's been pretty sweet. All of my teachers are calling me Tyler. I actually sort of kind of maybe made a friend. Which is a big deal because I'm not a social person in any sense of the word. She's in both English Comp 1H and Calculus with me. She seems really nice.
I went to a pet store today to apply for a job. They're calling me tomorrow, hopefully it works out. The kennel doesn't work well with school schedule. I'm not getting many hours which eqauls not so much money.
Friday I'm going back to Mazzoni about testosterone. Very excited. I've decided not to tell my mom this time. There is no guarentee they will prescribe me testosterone so I don't want to start an arguement before I know. I feel bad going behind her back, but it's the only choice I have in this situation. She may not understand now, but hopefully she will one day.